Sento spesso da mogli che non sono sicuro se il loro matrimonio sta andando a sopravvivere affare del loro marito. Non sanno come mai stanno andando a superare il tradimento, il dolore, il dubbio e la mancanza di fiducia.
Soluzione di un marito per questo è spesso, a suggerire che la coppia appena "ricomincerà" o "ricominciare con un'ardesia pulita, fresca." E anche se questo può sembrare alquanto allettante per la moglie, quando lei davvero si siede e pensa, in genere si rende conto che questo è probabilmente più facile a dirsi che effettivamente fatto.
Ho sentito da una moglie che ha detto: "mio marito tradito me per cinque settimane. Egli dice che vuole disperatamente di salvare il nostro matrimonio, ma non sono così sicuro. Mi preoccupo che sto andando sempre a dubitare di lui ora e non voglio passare il resto della mia vita sentirsi come non posso fidarmi lui o che ho bisogno di guardare sopra la mia spalla. Mio marito dice che io sono sopra questo pensiero. Egli dice che insistere sulla ricerca di ogni questione problematica - quasi come se godere di tutti i conflitti. Egli dice che possiamo solo 'ricominciare' e iniziare il nostro matrimonio come se è appena iniziato. In questo modo, tutto questo può essere lasciato dietro di noi. È anche possibile? Vi dirò il mio prendere su questo nel seguente articolo.
Why It Would Be Very Difficult To Literally Start Over: I think that this is one of those things that is almost impossible to carry out because you just can't control the thoughts that are going to pop into your head. Unless you both have amnesia, how are you going to forget about the marriage that came before all of this? And would you even want to? Because eliminating the bad memories would also mean eliminating the good. You can't just pretend that none of this happened and I am not sure that it would be to your benefit anyway. I will tell you why right now.
You Will Need To Fix What Is Wrong Instead Of Just Trying To Erase The Past: People often really want to believe that the affair was just a one time thing that will never happen again. I wish that this was always the case, but it just isn't. People often have issues and backgrounds that contribute to their inclination to cheat. This is often why people repeat these actions even when they truly do not want to do so and have vowed not to. When the same set of circumstances present themselves, then it's possible that the cheating will repeat also. That's why it's so important that you do the work necessary to address what is wrong and to actually fix it. This can not happen if you just try to erase everything and start over without any additional work or discussion.
The Idea Of Starting Over Often Only Benefits The Cheating Spouse In The Long Run: Sometimes, the idea of starting over seems preferable to both spouses. After all, dealing with this in painful. Talking about it is awkward. Sometimes, it feels as if it would just be much preferable to just let it go. Why pick the scab off a wound that hurts so bad? Because the truth is that the wound isn't going to heal properly unless you talk about it and understand what went wrong so that you can truly fix it. Because only then are you going to be able to restore the trust. And the lack of trust is still going to be a huge issue even if you give the whole "let's just start over" thing your best shot.
Why You Do Get To Start Again After You Heal: I realize that I've just told you that starting over isn't advisable. But I do think that, in a sense, you get to begin again after you've done the work and healed. You get to craft the marriage that you want because you have the gift of hind sight. You can reject what wasn't working and embrace what was. You can take the new skills and insights that you have learned and apply them now. Some people have told me (and I agree) that the marriage that they have now is in some ways better than the one that was present before the affair.
In some ways, you do get to start fresh because you've created a healthier reality. And quite often, after you have gone through this type of trauma together, you do become closer and you learn things that you didn't know. As a result, this brings about more intimacy so that it does feel like beginning again. But the reason it feels this way is because you've done the work.